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Don't go skiing, it's totally the worst

Cy Whitling

The ski industry wants you to go skiing. They try to sell you on this dream, warm lodges, sunny days, perfect slopes. After a long summer spent afterbanging in the living room it’s easy to drink the Kool-aid and look forward with longing to to the winter. Don’t give in. Don’t forget the misery that ski season brings.

Here are 5 reasons that skiing is totally the worst.

 

1.) You won’t look good

Yeah, you watched the movies, you're feeling good about your skills, you are ready to throw down like the pros this year. Sorry, it’s not going to happen. You are going to suck. Those first turns you imagined the whole ride up? Prepare to skid and shuffle down the mountain run after run, looking like some kind of deranged penguin decked out in the newest outerwear and gear. Muscle memory is an urban myth, look it up! Those skills from last year are going to take a while to come back, and if you cant look cool doing it, what is even the point of skiing?

2.) It wont feel good

Skiing hurts. Every year I resolve to get in shape for ski season and every year I come out of my first run lamenting my lack of motivation. You are going to get beat up by the mountain. If you don’t end your first day feeling like the dead squirrel you ran over on the way up to the mountain then you either are way better at skiing than me or you spent your day in the lodge, Instagraming and drinking overpriced hot chocolate. This pain is permanent too, I mean, it’s not like you're going to get in shape and feel better during the season right?

3.) You wont sound good

Apparently this isn't a universal problem but my excitement for opening day usually leaves me sounding like a junior high girl at a One Direction concert. That’s no slam on One Direction, it’s just awkward when everybody in the lodge is staring at the scruffy college dude who is squealing and jumping up and down. Maybe they’re just worried about their eardrums, or that I’m going to wet my pants with excitement, regardless, those opening day squeals always lead to embarrassment.

 

4.) The snow will not be good

If your first day is not spent skipping over rocks, bushes and partially buried gapers you probably waited too long to ski your first day. These adverse conditions compounded with your lack of skill and flabby, summer legs will mean you spend your day on the edge of control, barely dodging other tortured souls and breathing a deep sigh of relief every time you make it safely to the base.

 

5.) You’ll forget how awesome of a summer you had

As soon as my skis touched down from that first lift ride and I arced my first awkward turns all of the memories of one of the best summers of my life drifted away. It was winter again, I was skiing and all was right with the world.

Skiing is lame, it’s totally the worst, I have no idea why anybody does it. I’m going to stick with easy things that I can look cool doing and leave skiing to those weird morons who like being outside and challenges and stupid stuff like that. If you see someone decked out in all next year’s gear with perfectly sagged pants and tilted helmet sitting in the lodge feel free to say hello, just don't get any snow on my, you wouldn't believe how long it took to get my hair to look this windblown and attractive.